Sometimes

I been through so much and yet can’t find the way out. Summers are so hard for me but they are the best time of year. I have been to rock bottom and so how got myself out of it. I also been to hell and back but I been finding the light. I sometimes just cry because I just want to give up. I have fallen for someone and don’t think I’ll ever know how they feel. Sad thing is I don’t fall for people like that in tell 8 years ago. I wish I could do so much more with my life but they are holding me back from what I want. I act like I’m strong but I am really weak and I have lost my wings. I am scared to go out and do what I want to do. But when I am with him I feel like I am bat man. I can do just anything. I lost my life 5 years ago and to tell you the truth don’t think I will ever get it back. I been trying to stay strong but my heart is getting so weak. I wish I had someone that would just get it but who can. 5 years ago my health went down. I been to the hospital and been in so much pain and yet nothing has been found. When I am with him I feel so much better and I just want to get up and be me but I am so scared to at the same time. I wish I had the all answers but I don’t and it really sucks. Sometimes I just let myself over think and then I fuck things up. Sometimes I wish I could go back and fix this all but if I did would we be where we are today? They have taken my life and really twisted it and I can’t on twist it. I never told anyone the real story because I am too scared. Not even my family or cops know but they will never know. When I see you with her or talk to her I just want to tell you, you can do so much better. But I don’t think I am that much better. I see so much and yet don’t know much. I feel so stupid when I am with you because I let my heart over power me. I wish I had the will to do so much more in life but I just can’t. How can I when you took my life and I have to see you each day. Life is so hard for a young woman trying to find her way. I just want to be loved and safe or at least feel safe again.  I feel like I should go back to my old ways but if I do will you like me more or less. I feel like everything I am doing is pulling us apart. I like you so much I can’t stop thinking of you and when I see you I want to hold onto you forever before I lose you again. If I had the power to fight to put you in jail I would but my heart is so weak. Each day I am getting weak but when I am with him it fills back up but when I leave him I feel so powerless again. I don’t like much in life anymore because you took it away from me and I can’t get it back. When I see you I want to kill you be thankful I don’t know how to work a gun. The things you do to keep me holding on to you are a damn game and yet I keep going for it. You tell me you don’t know how you feel yet you do but you won’t say for whatever reason.  The life I have created is a damn lie. I wish so much more for myself but I lost so much. I want to live my life to make you happy but you just don’t get that. Sometimes I wish I could just fix things and make you get it. But I just don’t think you will. I feel like I’m wasting my time on you but if I am then why do we keep meeting paths? Am I asking for too much or am I just not worth your time? My friends tell me to give it time. But I’m running out of time.  Sometimes it just like damn and sometimes I wish I could have said more. I feel like it’s getting too late for me. I may be young but my heart is close to death. Unless you bring it back. Life is full of bullshit and I seem to keep falling into it. My past is what makes me? Well its hurting me and I been trying to fix it but I can’t. When I think I got it right turns out its all wrong. Love is funny I wish he know how he felt.  My past has made me and five years ago is still tearing me apart but I’m acting like it’s making me stronger when I am only looking for someone to keep me safe again or let me feel safe. When you text me butterfly’s get in my tummy and I read it and I see you just don’t know yet and I wait for another but nothing. You wait for hours to text back and sometimes I’m ok with that but others I wish you would just answer me. I know I can do too much put if I didn’t I wouldn’t like you.  I cry inside and out because I am scared you will try to hurt me again. I have almost lost my life because of you and I fight because I’m trying to win this war but this war just not ending. You keep coming back with more and that is what tearing me apart. You have taken my love life away my childhood and me away from me. All I know is I’m going to win this war both wars it might take time but I will. I might get hurt while battling but if you really love someone you prove it even if they don’t. And the other war I will make something of myself because I can be strong. It’s my heart that has to pay for all the pain and all the gun shots. But you know what I am a young woman trying to live in this world trying to have the right life and I might get it wrong but I am not perfect. I fix other people problems and bottle my up tell I can’t take it anymore. Sometimes I just need me and want something is that so bad?  I live my life for my animals and when I want something other girls get it and I just let it happen but when I say how I feel it seems to get push aside and forgotten . I really hope this time is different because I really don’t know what I will do if I lose you. I have never loved like this before. I been in love before but this is stronger. I hope you feel the same. Sometimes I wish I could read your mind and find the truth. I did my part by tell you the truth now do yours. I was told to lie like I was going to but then I realized I had to because of what you were going to do to me and look were that got me. My life is hard and sometimes I don’t even get it but I wake up each day for the next battle and this is where that got me. Love is hard what is harder them knowing how you feel. Rape takes a lot out of you and there is nothing you can do but keep fighting.

Hannah Mae Wethern