Outside looking in

From the outside you see nothing wrong but once you dig a little deeper you will find that I am crying and hurting every day.

 Each night I pray hoping this will all end and things will start looking up but that is just a dream. Living in fear every day is like taking a knife to my heart. My heart is breaking and slowly dying. What you have done to me I will never forget because you took my childhood away from me. You took my heart and my soul. Now I have little to care for a lot of things in the world. I don’t have the heart I use to have.

 From the outside you will see a young girl just trying to find her dreams but when you look a little closer you will see her scared and holding on to what she has left. Before you raped me I could run around and be a little girl but now I’m too scared to bring the little girl out of me. You have taken everything I had and twisted it. I wish I could run and not look back but I can’t because you are always watching me. I can’t walk alone. I don’t know if you are going to try to kill me again. I wish I could do something to you but you are untouchable. Sometimes I think I should have kept quiet and then things would have been easier for me. If I didn’t have her to hold me together I would have took my life long time ago but because of her I’m still fighting I wish I could take my life and just be done. I’m sick of this bull shit. I have to act like I’m ok every day when I am living in a nightmare. I write to get you out of my head but you never go away. You have burned yourself into me.

 From the outside you will see a girl that loves animals and her family but if you look into her eyes you will see so much pain. I can’t do anything without being scared. I can’t find love because I know you will find a way to mess it up for me. I can’t get help because they didn’t put you away. People think I made this all up. When really I wish I did then I wouldn’t be in so much pain but I am. You made me do it when I said no. All this time I thought something was wrong with me when really it’s you.

 From the outside you will see that she is fighting but on the inside she is waiting for time to be up. You took so much and you still are. I can’t be in a relationship because I feel like it might happen again. I can’t feel safe in my own home because you live next door to me. I wish this was a bad dream and I could wake up and I would have everything. I hate you with every little piece of me.  I wish I wasn’t scared anymore and I could move past this but you have messed up my life so much. You not only raped me but you tried to kill me more than once and who can I tell? No one because if you find out you will send them to make sure I am dead. Everyone wonders why I am the way I am, Why I am so scared, why I can’t move past this, why I can’t get help. I am the way I am because of you, I am so scared because I know you will find me and finish what you started, why I can’t move past this is because no one can help me because you made yourself untouchable, why I can’t get help because no one believes me and when they do there is nothing they can do or they will end up on the same side as I am. I told myself 2013 is my year well that didn’t work. I came more out of my shell and I can do things on my own but in the place of them is new battles. Having to get a job and hope you will not find me, go to college and hope that you don’t send someone to finish, moving out and hope that you will not find me. I remember that day so clear. September 11 2007, it was a beautiful blue sky. Little wind and everyone was so happy. It was around dinner time. You could hear the cars and the animals outside. Then all hell broke loose. I wish I could forget I really do. When you look at me you will see nothing wrong but if you digger a little deeper you will see so much wrong.

By Hannah Wethern